Etiquette as a Survival Skill: How Polite Manners Can Give Us Tranquility

As a child, I was taught manners the same way everyone around me was taught manners--at the dinner table. Sit up straight; don't talk with your mouth full; don't gulp your drink; say "please" and "thank you"; ask permission to leave the table. And we were taught by example: unless my father is in his recliner (he's now older and stiff), he stands up when I or my mother enters or leaves the room; my father offers to help my mother or I carry packages, even when his back hurts; my mother writes elaborate thank-you letters for even the most mundane favours.

And all this served me well throughout my high school and college years. I tried not to speak ill of others, even when they spoke ill of me. I was polite to my teachers and professors, and the janitors, and everyone in between. Oh, I may have been disobedient, but I was polite and cheerful about it when caught, and mostly I stayed out of trouble.

And then, when I was in my twenties, I stumbled across Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior--and that book, and its sequels, made a profound difference in my life. If I had gotten along with people reasonably well before, I got along with them famously now. I suddenly became the most popular person in my social circle, when I had never been popular in my life. I experienced such a complete transformation that I was absolutely dumbfounded.

No book is going to change my life completely, you're thinking. But etiquette is more than just a social mechanism for getting along with people. Etiquette is an essential survival skill. Don't believe me? Read on.

• Good manners saved my job, on more than one occasion. While around me everyone was being laid off or downsized, my job lingered on, longer than most, even if my perceived value wasn't as great as that of some other workers. Why? Because my bosses felt good when I was around.
• Good manners saved several relationships from becoming ugly at the moment of breakup. One time I was actually afraid of being struck during a breakup--but my cool saved the day and I was able to exit a public place with my dignity and physical integrity intact, because I did and said the polite thing.
• Good manners saved the day on many social occasions, including difficult holiday dinners with in-laws and difficult funerals. Because I had had so much practice, I was able to emerge from family disagreements with no-one mad at me, even when I was the outsider and it felt like everyone was on the other side.
• Good manners allowed my family and extended family to feel good about supporting me through difficult times. Among other things, I kept their larger social relationships intact with one simple social task done on time--and that task made an entire network of strangers my friends.
• Good manners saved many friendships. By thinking through carefully all the implications of what I was saying, and what I really meant to do, I was able to remain friends with people at difficult times in their lives when they had shut out everyone else. Those other people said what they thought was the right thing, but it turned out to be really wrong!

Many people have many problems that are common to almost all of us. However, the practice of etiquette will help in all these areas, in sometimes surprising ways!

1. Lack of self-esteem: my study of what to do and say in difficult situations increased my self-confidence because I knew that no matter what came up, I would automatically do or say the right thing after years of practice in being polite.
2. Lack of discipline: Good manners teaches self-discipline over what you say and do.
3. Lack of people skills: Good manners is all about people skills!
4. Lack of communication: I hear a lot about brutal honesty. Honesty should not be a cause for brutality--that is uncivilized. Honesty can be kind, too. And people will more readily accept your message if it is sweetened with real concern for their well-being, and that includes their emotional well-being.
5. Lack of organization: Good manners imposes a sense of social organization, and that sense of social organization then tends to make other kinds of physical organization much easier.
6. Lack of time: Good manners means being prompt and respecting other people's schedules. This will also help your own time availability, because if everything runs smoothly, you will have more time available for yourself.
7. Lack of respect: Showing respect for others, by being polite to them, will instill in them a sense of respect for you.
8. Lack of money: The more people respect you, the more money they think you are worth paying for. And if you are a small business owner, your customers will pay more for courteous and personal service.
9. Too much competition: Etiquette will mark you as a clear winner, all other things being equal. Good manners set you apart!
10. Lack of writing skills: Repeatedly writing letters of condolence and congratulations, thank-you letters, and dinner invitations and R.S.V.P.s will give you excellent practice in writing. And you'll learn how to spell "congratulations" properly!

I mentioned earlier that there was a simple task that really made the difference in my relationships with my in-laws (and therefore my husband). It took only a few minutes each day and this one task paid off handsome dividends throughout my marriage.

I said, "Good morning," and "Thank you," to the UPS man who delivered my wedding presents. He was so impressed he made my stop one of the first on his route. I opened each present just enough to figure out what it was, and who sent it. Then I sat down with my stationery and pen and wrote an enthusiastic thank-you note to each person that very minute. By the time the postman showed up, all my thank-you letters were done and stamped, and by saying "Good afternoon" and "Thank you" to the postman, I impressed him enough that he set my letters in the stack to be processed first. He even lent me stamps once when I ran out--long before the post office delivered stamps--long even before cell phones!

At the reception, my in-laws were ecstatic because all their friends had called them with the news that this bride had written the thank-you letters so promptly. The friends of the in-laws showed up at the reception, and complimented my mother on her excellent child-rearing skills, and some of them even joked that I must have been psychic and written the thank-you letter as soon as the credit card slip was processed, because there was no way that it was physically possible to get the letter in the mail that fast. And so my whole family went home from the wedding reception in a great mood, instead of being disgruntled and irritated.

And the other benefit was that except for the presents brought to the reception itself, I went on my honeymoon with a clear conscience and had only a dozen letters to send out when we returned home, instead of facing a mountain of correspondence.

Most of my small business income comes in the form of checks. I use one very simple trick for retaining customers, and my customers enthusiastically refer me to their friends.

It's simple--I thank them each and every time, by writing "For deposit only. Thank you for your business," by hand, on the endorsement area of each check. For an extra second's worth of effort, I manage to increase my customer retention enormously.

Politeness pays off in all kinds of unexpected ways, from the maintenance man who bumps up my repairs to his first priority, to the customer service call center employee who credits my account ten dollars because I was polite and she feels sorry for the trouble I've had. Good manners means that you always come out ahead of the competition. In fact, everything goes better with etiquette!